Friday, April 22, 2005


So my man is about to return to me after being gone 31 days so far; it will be 45 days by the time he gets here. I am so excited I can hardly sleep. No, seriously, I have been having the hardest time sleeping lately. I go to sleep around 3am, yes, I am a night owl, and I wake up around 5am feeling like I have slept for days. Then I go back to sleep to wake up in time for the Today show to start.

Well, I should say I wake up for Early Today and then go back to sleep and then wake up for Today with Matt and Katie. Only time I have slept really well since he has left was when I wasn't feeling well or was just so wiped out that I could hardly stand.

I hope he knows how much his presence, even by phone or chat, has meant to me. I think he does. For a very closed person like me it is hard to open up to someone, even if I love them. I am trying harder than ever.

I have friends who I have known for years who tend to think I actually work for some clandestine agency. Just call me Christopher Bristo. Hell, give me a wardrobe like they give her, well not the dresses, but I can do disguises and hot designer wear and I will be your super spy. Well, for the good guys.

I am simply a guy, 33, who is still trying to find his place in this crazy world the even crazier New York City; Manhattan to those of us who actually live here. New York City actually encompasses all 5 boroughs. And yes, I have been called a Manhattan snob, but if my man was to move here I would be willing to settle JUST over the bridge in Brooklyn Heights. Many consider that still Manhattan, but it isn't.

I do think it is time for me to get serious. I have just been floating until now. I can make things happen for myself and other people but I am not doing anything I want to do, besides volleyball that is.

And yes, anyone who knows me will tell you that just about all of my free time is spent playing or coaching volleyball. It makes me very happy. This will not change....well, not until the knees go then I will really become a tyrant of a coach.

Back to the topic. Wait, is there a topic? I do believe I am just writing from a flow of consciousness. Wow, I am conscious. Where will I put this when I am done? Is it too personal for the blog? Shall I just send it to Schawn? He does enjoy these opening up.

Oh yeah, I have come to really love CAKE. They rock. Thanks Baby.

I do wonder what it is that I am waiting for. Career wise I mean. What is it that will propel me to quit what I am doing? Really examine what will make me happy. Is it the fear of money? Will I not be able to support myself? Will I have to give up a lot of what I have become accustomed to? Will I have to move out of the city for a time? Okay, so that just told me I can't change. I guess maybe that is one of the things keeping me where I am.

I think if I ever did therapy this would be a very good session. Well, it is therapy isn't it? I am telling you exactly what is on my mind. Rambling. Freestyle. No questions from anyone but myself. When is my hour up? Or has the time gone to 90 minutes now because of all the problems in the world?

Does anyone read this? I would love to hear back from anyone who reads this entry. Write a comment. If I know you or not, let me know what you think. About yourselves, about me, about love, about work or about life.

So to sum things up I am pretty happy with myself as a person. I feel like I am becoming a better person everyday. Probably because I am very happy. I am nicer, I know that. Hard to be mean and sarcastic with a real smile on your face. The smirk is gone. Okay, well it is gone when the workday is over.

Love is always good. Makes you, or should I say me, feel special. I have only had a real love maybe 2 times in my life. They both remain very special to me. One was my first love Jeff. The second was Carter. Both great men. Love when our paths cross. Jeff was in LA, so I don't see him but every couple of years when he stops through NYC if I know he is around.

Carter on the other hand lives in NYC, was my first real NY love. I can't wait for Carter to meet Schawn. He will be happy for me. He will know that my heart has healed and I am able to really feel something for someone again. He will know that when I leave him there will not be a sinking in my heart. Wow, damn, that was personal. If you know my website you can go see a picture of Carter, that is if you can figure out which one he is. The pictures are not labeled. I wish you good guessing.

Okay, so I am a little drained now. Never having revealed so much at one time. But I do think I will be doing this more often. Wow, this is long. Will it fill the whole page for the blog with one post.

Do I give a damn? No.

I love you all.

Okay, some of you.

Well, at least one of you. The ones I don't know I like you and hope you are doing well.

Be happy....wait, delete that because i know people get pissed off when told to be happy.

Oh, here is a question to also comment on when you are writing me to tell me about yourselves:

Do you think you have to give a compliment when you are given one?

I am sorry but I don't. I have learned to accept a compliment, in the spirit it was given. I am sorry, I am not always in the mood to give one back. Sometimes there is nothing to give back. I actually had a discussion about this with the person. I said I can say something just for the sake of saying won't be real or I can give you a compliment when it is appropriate and genuine.

Okay, enough from me today. I think this is being posted to the world since I have asked for people to respond and I am not actually speaking just to Schawn on this one.

Give me some insight people. Thanks.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You speak so well about you and your boy friend. Its great to have those feeling for someone. There the best feeling that you'll ever have...keep them for as long as you can

How I Spent the Afternoon.